A Very Sad Wake Up Call.It Can Happen To Us All.And Happy. x

 

It has been a strange few weeks, sad but happy in equal measures.I have written in the past few months about the sickness ‘here on the farm’, ponies, dogs etc.Me. Today I am not going to do that. I want to talk about something that scares us all. Worries us and takes up a great deal of energy in thought, or is that just me?What is that? Growing old. For me it sucks. Yes I know, some don’t have the chance to grow old and I appreciate that and am sad for everyone who has lost a loved one. I have lost many these past few years. I didn’t think there would be anything worse than losing someone you love . But there is. Two things come to mind. Grieving for someone who is still alive but estranged from you, someone you love. Every day is sad, missing that person and knowing they are ‘out there’ ‘having  a life ‘that you are no part of. You should be, but you’re not. How hard is that! But even more than that, grieving for someone who is or has changed, because of age, a disease etc.and is no longer the person they were. That’s hard. Sad, scary and painful.I think the most scary part is , ‘there but for the grace of God etc…’Who knows what life has planned ahead for us. No one.

So, firstly, I am happy because I have regained something precious that I thought I had lost forever. Won’t say any more but life is fuller than it was and for that I am so happy and so grateful.I have also begun a book that I promised to write a few years ago and am now able to do so. It needs writing and the world needs to read it. (Well some of the world at least I hope).So that is underway. George has new magnetic boots and is walking well so everything crossed.

The sad.

For many years, David and I have been visited by a close friend who now lives in Australia.A strong handsome man who David has known for more than 50 years and, unbeknown to each other, I have known since this man was in his teens. He is my husband’s best friend. We always look forward to his visits and prepare ourselves for the ‘volume’ to be raised  at home. He is strong, loud and fun to be around. A sportsman, and, a man interested in technology, always has the latest gadget. Phone, computer, camera etc.Always so much to talk about. But last week, things were different. He was different. We were expecting him a week later than  he actually arrived, so when he came to our home, we were out. He left a note and said he would be staying in New Quay that night and return to us the following morning. We tried to ring him but the phone just rang out so we waited for the next day. The phone rang and I expected it to me our friend but it was the manager of a hotel in Llandysul. He had not gone to New Quay but Llandysul! The manager wanted me to tell him our address and confirm that our friend had that address. He did. Then I handed the phone to David to speak with his friend. It seems, that although calling on us at our home, many times before, the evening before this call as well, he had become confused as to how to find our house. I was a bit worried but David went to meet up with him and they arrived home. All seemed okay although we were a bit confused as to how he ended up somewhere other than where he said as Llandysul is quite a way from us and New Quay just down the road. As the day went on, I noticed that he was a bit anxious when he couldn’t find his camera. It was in front of him. When David left us alone, this lovely man, confided that he was  becoming a bit confused at times and his memory was not as good as it was. He was quiet, not as cheeky or loud. He had lost a great deal of weight and seemed older by a lot than when we saw each other 2 years ago. He is younger than both David and me. I became a bit concerned but did not correct him when he made mistakes, just made him feel safe at our house. Asked him if his wife knew what he was telling me and sadly, won’t repeat what he said.David took him out for a meal in the evening and again, noticed the changes in his friend. I wanted him to stay with us because I was worried about him but for very personal reasons, not going to share on here, I didn’t ask him to. Something I now regret so much.After they returned he was not able to find his way back to where he was staying, or he didn’t think he could so David took him to his hotel. He would come back the next day and I had, by then, told David he could stay in spite of my reservations. He had 2 weeks left and would stay in Wales for around 7 days. The following morning, once again a call from his hotel, the manager again. He gave our friend the phone and he told us that he was going on to London to see his sister as he was running out of days in the UK. David assured him that he wasn’t, that he had another 2 weeks, but he became anxious and I told David to agree with him and ask him to ring when he reached his sisters. After putting the phone down, we looked at each other, both with tears in our eyes. This was not our friend, he seemed a stranger. No confidence, no ‘loud’, not ‘cheeky’, no him. It had been a shock to both of us but I think hit my lovely husband very much.

I had voiced that I was surprised that his wife had not accompanied him, as he had told us that she knew how confused he sometimes became and forgetful. She didn’t want to come was the response. I should not criticise her but I do know that David would not have gone anywhere on his own, if he had been in the’place’ our dear friend was. We were extremely worried. I spent the next 2 days trying to find out if he was okay. Find someone else he had spent time with whilst in the UK. Nothing. Until a few days ago when I managed to speak to a friend who confirmed that indeed, this lovely man had changed. No longer the life and soul of the party but an onlooker. I have  had an email to say he is back in Australia, earlier than planned so I hope he is now safe.We now have to rely on him writing to us and reassuring us he is okay and has taken my advice and seen a doctor. I know what it seems is happening to him and I also know that something can be done to help him. But I am helpless to do anything and that does not sit well with me.

What this visit has done, is highlight that age can do this to us. As we age, we change. Or do we? Is it just that others see us differently?I began to think of us, David and I , how we sometimes forget things, how we often have to remind each other of people’s names, places, events. My own realisation of the times I think, ‘was that right?’ It didn’t sound right. Having a conversation with myself. Is this aging? Did I get that wrong? Was that today was it last year? As we age, nothing is the same. Our bodies often let us down. We tire easily. Become weary after a short time doing something that we used to be able to do in a much shorter time!But inside, we are still 20!

A few years ago, or was it more? I worked in reminiscence therapy and was reminded of this these past days. How I tried to see the person behind the ‘haze’. The woman who was sitting in front of me, unable to identify me but able to recognise things from her childhood or earlier life. I made a promise to myself that I would always see the person who she had been. The young woman, the wife, the mother and not only the elderly, confused  lady confined to her chair. If she were me and I was treated as less of a person because I forgot; became confused, I would want to shout. ‘I haven’t always been this way’! ‘I was a mum, a wife , a Psychotherapist and an author. I loved to dance, to read poetry and to care for animals. Look at me please. I’m still here. I’m still me.’

Sometimes, after a serious illness, we can become different, not as capable,not as clear minded. Illness sucks. Growing old sucks but we need to be grateful for it. So please, always try and see the person. I feel the same. I know I am not able to do what I used to do but hey, I am still me. Still the same person even in my confusion and forgetfulness, I am still Carol Ann and would hope those around me always remember that. 

I will always be grateful for memories and hope our friend, I haven’t named him on purpose, I hope he has his memories for along time yet. We will always talk of him, laugh at the things he told us, the things he did. We will always remember HIM. No matter what.I am making a photo of David and our Aussie buddy, to place in pride of place, next to my darling brother’s photo. That is how we will remember them both. Smiling, handsome and strong.Yes age may be just a number but we always need to remember the younger version, of whoever is the subject of our thoughts.

Thank you for reading x